August 09-2006:
Do Men Really Know Or Understand Our Role As Nurturer?
In early or primitive societies, men played some very defined and clearly ascribed roles within the community, the tribe, and the collective. Wherever there was a collective, a close knit group, or tribe, the roles of the men were not very different either.
Men fought to protect the group, the tribe, or collective, when attacked or threatened with attack from another tribe or community. Hunted and fished for food too. These were the roles all men had to assume in order to be accepted as qualified for leadership positions, emulation, and social acceptance.
They were also expected to marry, or take some woman from within the tribe to start a family of their own. This ensured the survival and growth of that tribe or group. Certain ceremonies were performed on boys at a certain age, referred to as induction into the group, 'Or Coming Of Age' rituals, before assuming adult responsibilities.
The women were expected to care for, and protect the children in times of warfare from abductions, or death. To provide the community with cooked meals, and other social amenities that was needed to sustain the tribe or community.
And these roles never changed for centuries, until the tribe or collective became so large, that self governance, was then contemplated. Thus creating the birth of the nuclear family, civil governance, and a hierarchy of political control.
The Birth Of The Modern Man:
In modern cultures today, the male is as confused as a child in a candy store, in terms of his choice of role/s, and how to raise or nurture his offspring. Most young men currently are not allowed the closeness with his father, as was once practiced in earlier societies.
Male bonding today as we know it, only happens when that male child goes to school. And if he is unable to cope with athletics, or seem un-interested in physical sports, he will encounter ostracism, censure, and verbal rebuke, for not seemingly interested in male oriented things.
This happens to most young males, because they were never taught or shown how to bond with their fathers. They were never taken in the wings, confidence, or tutorship of their fathers, to rump, go hunting, go fishing, indulge in some dirty joking, and mixed with some of his older friends, just to see and experience the maleness, and fraternity from such encounters.
Adolescent Ignorance:
Most young men at puberty is ever taken aside by their fathers, and told the things that would help him understand, how his body functions at this stage. The sexual desires and interest in other boys, girls, and women in general, that this stage of his growth requires.
Very often he is told by his father, or step-father the following:
* Not to masturbate, or look at pornography:
* Not to have sex without condoms:
* Not to see or get too close to girls, before he finishes college:
* Not to impregnate any girl, or his allowance and college hopes will be dashed.
* And not to stay out late or after midnight, or he may have to move out:
So young adolescent men today can never grow mentally, psychologically, or intellectually, if they are not allowed these experiences. If they are never told the pros and cons of the above. Never allowed to explore (with proper guidance or tutorship), the ways and means of coming of age, and personal responsibility.
Many young men (like myself), never knew or had a father in the home while growing up. Mom was playing both roles, which conflicts with her true role as mother and nurturer. She overtime will inevitably overpower, control, and influence her male child, to the point where he invariably feels indebted to her for life.
That is why so many men are unable to move away from home, or from their mother's control or influence in their life, and families. This experience with a mother, only also prevents him for growing normally as a male, because there was no male father figure to emulate. He may have used other male figures like older buddies in the neighborhood, public figures, or church brothers, as role models. But they could never fill that void of closeness which a father is supposed to fulfill with their sons.
So he grew up not knowing how to love other men as brothers, pals, buddies, or friends. He may also seek this love from the same gender later in life, because he wants it so badly, and cannot fully comprehend or reciprocate it, if or when he encounters this feeling.
Homosexuality & Loneliness:
In the life of most homosexual men today, there is a void that is felt emotionally, that will never be filled. Which to my mind, stems from some or most of the above experiences outlined. This void interferes with their relationships, the inability to form long or true friendships or relationships, based on love, sharing, forgiveness, and trust.
Some seek to gain this lack by condoning personal abuse to them. And some feel that in order to be accepted by another man emotionally, they have to accommodate his every wish or desire. This mentality stems from verbal and physical abuse that many Homosexual men experienced growing up at home, the communities where they live, their schools, and even in college.
Raising Families Of Our Own:
There is a trend within the Gay/Homosexual communities internationally, to have legal permission to raise families of their own. This contention is perceived by the communities at large with mixed feelings. Most states in The USA have not allowed or enacted legislation, which will allow two men to legally marry. And some states are grappling with the concept of partnership agreements, adopting children, inheritance, and visitation rights to homosexuals.
To be continued.....
Derryck S. Griffith.
Educator-Advocate & Blogger.
